Not fitting in - fashion, friendships, socially

 Throughout my whole life I've felt like I never fit in. Whether that be with fashion, friendships or socially. 

Growing up I really struggled with that, as I think most people do. You look online or watch tv and see 

everyone acting and dressing the same, and realising that you don't. As I continue to get older and even 

more since having a baby, I've realised that I'm ok with not fitting in and being like everyone else, and that 

I'd rather be authentic to myself instead of a fake version who wants to blend in.

FASHION 

I went to high school between 2010-2015, where the fashion was very interesting. Consisting of acid wash 

skirts, Nike blazer trainers, aztec crop tops and Jesus bracelets. High school for me was a time where I felt 

like I had to be the same as everyone else. I felt the pressure to dress like everyone so I didn't stick out and 

get bullied even more than I already was, giving myself an 'easier life'. I wasn't in a position to be 

constantly buying clothes that fell in to the fast fashion trends, and especially when the majority of the 

time I didn't like them. If I could find a way to get more affordable but trendy items I would. 

Even now, 13 years later I still feel like I don't fit in with fashion. More so now, due to self confidence and 

struggling to find clothes that flatter my body and body shape. 'Fast fashion' has become more about the 

cut and style of the clothing rather than the overall item itself. I don't feel like I fit in with any aspect of 

fashion and stick to more basic items. I struggle to identify with one specific theme of fashion and take 

aspects from each different one, but very much stick with the basics and neutral colours.

FRIENDSHIPS

I've never been someone to have a huge friendship group and although it used to bother me, it doesn't as 

much now. The friends I went into high school with quickly became the 'popular group' and that wasn't 

me. My mental health affected me a lot in high school so I was fully isolated to the point where I taught 

myself for over a year and only did half days. This obviously played a huge part in my friendships. It 

wasn't until I went to college where I made closer friends and realised that quality over quantity is what 

matters. Once I turned 18 and could go out drinking and sit in pubs, I realised just how much better I get 

on with people who are older than me and especially men. 

Spending a lot of time with my parents and their friendship group made me bond with people older than 

me more than people my own age. I've always come across older and more mature than I am, and didn't 

have a stereotypical childhood/early adultescent which I believe plays a huge factor in this. I get on with 

men better too as I have always found women to be very bitchy and too faced. I have a dark/sexual sense 

of humour which naturally gels better with men rather than women. When I've met my partners friends 

and their partners, I never get on with the girlfriends and have always felt awkward around them. 

SOCIALLY 

There are a lot of reasons that I've never felt like I fit in socially but it definitely stemmed from being 

autistic. This made me very awkward and uncomfortable in social situations and I started to mask 

behaviour. Masking is suppressing behaviour and characteristics specific to that person, and mimicking

 the behaviour of neuro-typical people. I often 'over mask' and go to the extremes which makes me come 

across even more socially awkward and stand out more, which is the opposite of what I want. My 

behaviour becomes quite intense and heightened which is not what I'm really like, but I overcompensate 

when in public social situations. 

I have also been someone who struggles to keep things to myself, and often say things without thinking. 

I'm good at knowing what is appropriate and inappropriate but sometimes I do slip up and say things that 

get me a very questionable look. When I'm having a low day or struggling with something, I can't hide 

that and pretend things are ok. These are good qualities to have but only to a certain extent. For a long 

time I've been known as someone who says what she thinks and someone who can't hide that. I've always 

described myself as a 'marmite' kind of person. You either love me or hate me, theres no in-between. 

xoxo

Lea-Mai