Dear diary - am I ok?

 A huge part of my life both online and offline is mental health, but specifically opening up about my 
struggles with it. It's such an important topic to talk openly about, for so many reasons but mainly for 
opening up a conversation to help others feel less alone and spread both awareness and knowledge. I 
wanted to write this post mainly to help myself, by getting some things off my chest but also so other 
people, who may be in a similar position, know that they are not alone and what they are feeling is 
perfectly ok and normal. Nobody should have to go through this constant journey and battle alone. 

I mentioned in my; goals for the remainder of 2021 post that I wanted to come off my antidepressants and 
I was in the process of doing so. Since starting my mediation in 2014 I have only been off them once and 
that was for 6 months. This happened because I was swapping doctors and there were some complications 
with getting my medication. I was on 250mg of sertraline and unfortunately went cold turkey instantly, 
and was incredibly ill for over 2 weeks. I was not only suffering with headaches, dizziness and nausea but 
I was also having mild hallucinations a lot. Once my body got used to it and settled down I was fine and 
stayed off them for about 6 months, until I had a breakdown. As a result of this I've been very weary about 
coming off my tablets again, but I knew that if I was going to come off them I needed to do it properly. 

A few months ago I contacted my doctor and mentioned that I wanted to come off my antidepressants 
again. This time I was on 40mg of fluoxetine, which is a stronger medication compared to sertraline. We 
discussed my current mental health and different aspects of my life and agreed that it was suitable. The 
plan was to reduce my dose by half and stick to that for 6-8 weeks. After that, I could stop all together or 
go to taking 1 every other day for another 6-8 weeks. When the time came I decided to stop them all 
together. It has been roughly 6 weeks since I stopped taking them, and it's been a journey.

The first few weeks with being off my tablets I was feeling fine. But then things started to change in my 
personal and work life, so my routine got scrambled. Being autistic and also having mild old, I thrive of 
having a routine and doing my best to stick to that with the major tasks such as work, blogging cleaning 
etc. Which is why I have been slacking with uploading blog posts recently. 

In regards to work, I now have a better shift pattern which, allows me to be at home a little more, so 
I can see my family, clean and get ahead of myself with blogging. My overall routine has become more 
stabilised which has helped take some pressure and stress off with my mental health. 

However, saying this I am struggling more with my emotions. I have BPD which means I struggle to 
understand and process both my own and other peoples emotions. All of my feelings are heightened again 
and it often feels physically heavy on my chest and shoulders. I'm either feeling everything or nothing at 
all and come across numb and emotionless. I've also been having a lot more bad BPD days recently. The 
feeling of abandonment, not feeling good enough but also seeking constant validation from everyone. 
Caring too much but also not at all. 

The thought of going back on my medication has crossed my mind several times over the last few weeks 
but, I'm trying my hardest to push through and give this more time to see how everything works out. I 
would like to be off them at least 3 months, as I believe that gives everything, mainly my hormones, a 
fair chance at working and levelling out to hopefully become more stable. It's hard to visualise the future 
and how things will turn out, I'm just trying to stay positive and take each day as it comes. 

We've got this! 


1 comment

  1. You are doing so well and being able to write down and explain how your feelings is a masssive step!