How my previous relationship is still affecting me

 It's been 1 year since my previous relationship ended for the first time and 7 months since it ended 
officially. I talk a lot about my previous relationship and that's not to bring attention to it in a negative 
light, but instead open up about my experience and what I learnt from them. In fact I have a lot of love for 
this person despite everything that happened between us, and I wish them nothing but the best. However 
that doesn't mean I'm not dealing with emotions, hurt and actions as a result of that. 

Last year I opened up about how I was gaslighted, emotionally and mentally abused in my previous 
relationship (read here). I spoke about my experience and how the person I was madly in love with, was 
treating me along with the signs and symptoms and helplines for anyone who might be going through the 
same thing as I was. Since blogging I have opened up about a lot, from my battle with depression, getting 
diagnosed with BPD and my sexual abuse story, but this was the post I was most afraid to set live. 

I made it live and received nothing but positive feedback from people, thanking me for being so open and 
allowing them to understand what gaslighting is and that it's a form of mind control and manipulation, 
more common than people realise. A few days later I heard from my ex. He read the post. He did nothing 
but apologise to me for hours, days, unaware of what he was doing at the time, how bad it got and how it 
made me feel. After a while we decided to give it another go and put the past behind us, as there was so 
much love there, which may sound idiotic to most, however it was something we both agreed upon. In 
hindsight we shouldn't have, but is still a choice I don't regret. We were only together for 3 months before 
officially calling it quits and realising that we don't work together and are better off apart. 

7 months later since then, I have little to no contact with that person yet, they have since began a new 
relationship and changed in aspects of their life, which I wish them nothing but happiness. However I find 
myself lost. It's hard to explain how I feel, especially in regards to romantic relationships as that's never 
been my strong suit. I have been on a few dates, however due to actions on both parts this didn't go 
further. I find myself longing for a relationship and the intimacy that comes along, however when I start 
getting close to someone, I unintentionally push them away or self sabotage, because I don't feel good 
enough. The way I was treated previously makes me believe that's how I should be treated and when I'm 
not, I don't know what to do or say. 

Overall 7 months isn't a long time. 7 months isn't a long time to work yourself, grow and heal from your 
trauma. I have convinced myself countless times that I am over the harm and hurt that was caused but I'm 
constantly triggered, leaving me in an ongoing battle of previous insecurity and experience.

I find myself questioning people around me and wondering whether what they are saying is the truth or 
something they just wanting me to go along with and believe. I find myself very aware of the people 
around me and what I am saying, making sure to remember every aspect of the conversation for future 
reference. I find myself getting easily defensive and acting out of impulse. I find myself more mentally 
and physically conscious. I find myself struggling to meet new people and trust them now more than 
before. Are people saying things to me because that's what I want to hear or because it's the truth? 
Constantly doubting and questioning what's reality. I am more insecure than before. Wondering why people talk to me and are interested in me. Trying not to let my insecurities take over. 

I want nothing more than to sit here and say I'm feeling really positive and ready to conquer the world 
and have my 'hot girl summer' phase, but that's not what's happening. Once again, I'm back to taking 
everything one day at a time, trying to work on myself and be ok and content with being alone and 
learning to love myself and be the person I want to be, having learnt from my experiences rather than 
dwell on them. Reassuring myself that history won't be repeating itself and I'm worth so much more! 


*DISCLAIMER* I am in no way trying to bash or belittle this person. I guarantee there will be plenty of assumptions about who this is, but this isn't about them, it's about what happened and sharing my experience to help and educate others going through the same thing. As hard as it is, I do not wish ill or harm on the other person and hope that everything works out for them in the future. I still get on with and talk to people I met through them, such as friends and family, and hope that me speaking out and about the truth doesn't jeopardise that. 


  1. You are worth so much more Lea and remember that! I appreciate your honesty and rawness in this post lovely x

    Lucy Mary

  2. So much of this resonated with me. Twelve years ago I had what I can assume is a similar experience & looking back now there's no ill feeling (although there was at the time) I've been able to grow from it. It's definitely shaped my relationships going forward. In a good way. Wishing you all the best! Time is a great healer! X

  3. Thank you for sharing and being so honest, sending you lots of love!
    Amy x

  4. Time is a healer, I can look back at something similar now and see just how far I've come since - you've got this!

    1. Definitely agree about time being the biggest healer! x