How BPD affects my relationships

My entire life I have struggled with relationships. Whether that be; romantic, sexual, friends, family, work 

colleagues or dating. For so long I never knew why and just thought it was an area that I lacked in and it 

wasn't something that would ever improve. A few years ago I got diagnosed with BPD (borderline 

personality disorder) and it made everything so clear. 

I actually got diagnosed with BPD whilst in my first relationship. I'm very thankful that he was really 

understanding and tried his hardest to do what he could. Essentially learning alongside me, as we was both 

new to this. However, this probably affected him a lot more than I realised at the time. BPD is having 

difficulties with how you think and how you feel about yourself and others, which later causes a ripple 

affect in all aspects of your life. Imagine that when you're in a romantic relationship or with a sexual 

relationship or even if you're dating someone. Everything becomes so much harder. 

I've spoken about my other relationship previously (read here) which in it's own way was not a good 

experience, however my BPD was a huge part of this. The way I would feel or act would constantly be 

bought up and told that it was invalid and not normal to be like this, that I just needed to relax and chill 

out. It made me feel irrelevant and unloved. In the time that I've been out of that relationship, I've realised 

that my actions and feelings are 100% valid and that there is going to be someone out there who not only 

will give me everything I want and treat me how I deserve, but also do anything and everything they can 

in trying to understand and help me with my experiences and moving forward. 

For me I find sexual and dating relationships the hardest. I constantly care about pleasing them and 

making sure they get everything and anything they want, without considering myself. I fall for people 

really hard and have been hurt more times than I can count because of this. I understand how I should 

feel, but I can't process those feelings and I get caught up in the midst of things. I have to know why to 

everything. Why you feel the way you do, why you think this or act like this around me. I end up going to 

bed most nights, overthinking about things that are completely out of my control. If I start dating or seeing 

someone, I will want to see them as much as possible, and understand why you are actually wanting to 

date me. I want to know why and how to everything.

Due to my BPD and other mental health issues, mixed with my previous relationships I am still being 

affected in ways I didn't think. However it's also a learning curve for me. I've learnt that I shouldn't settle 

for something that I don't deserve just because it's easy, and convenient. I've learnt to love harder than 

ever. I've learnt that I am a difficult person to be with, but I'm worth it in so many ways. I will always care about the small things more than the large gestures. The way someone phrases something is so important to me and shows how much they actually care. Even if I do read into this a lot more than I should. 

Facial expressions and emotions are a huge challenge for me, which can affect me a lot, but recently I've 

noticed this has been affecting me at work. No matter where you work there will be banter and comments 

made out of humour. This is normal and a part of life and work. However because I struggle to understand 

where you're coming from or I just see a blank expression on your face I take it the wrong way which then 

affects my work overall. I will always try my hardest and try not to let this affect me, as I know that things 

are said out of humour not negativity but I still take this home with me at the end of the day or at 

weekends. I spend my time constantly thinking about if what I did was the right thing or if I said the right 

thing. Even if I did make a mistake, the majority of the time they can be changed or fixed upon realisation 

and errors are just a part of life and the journey. You can't make a positive change without failure. 

xoxo

Lea-Mai