How my sexual abuse still affects me

I've only talked about my sexual abuse story once on my blog (read here) which was just over a year ago. I've wanted to talk about it more but have been weary of how to address it again. For a while I've wanted to do another post and share how I'm still affected by this, and just because it happened 16 years ago doesn't mean it goes away and everything is suddenly ok. Although this post is my experience, I wanted to talk about it get rid of the stigma behind abuse and that it's ok to talk about. 

A brief explanation - when I was 3 years old I was sexually abused by a family member at the time who was 16 and I told my parents straight away. There was an initial questioning and examination but since there was a lack of evidence nothing could be done. I talked about it for around a week but completely forgot about the whole ordeal. About 10 years later it got bought up again and got taken to trial but he wasn't convicted and got away with it. This brings us to now. 

When I found out again what had happened (age 13) it was all I could think about. I felt betrayed
 and lied to but also fine. I don't know if it was because it happened at such a young age but it can often feel like nothing happened to me, which is strange. I went through a stage where it was all I could think about every single day and I used to blame myself. 

Up until last week I had never seen a photo of him. I was almost scared to because I was worried that I would have memories and visions come back to me that I didn't realise I had. Then a photo popped up on my Facebook, from a family member of a family member, and he was in it. When I saw it I was shocked because I had no feelings or emotions to it but then I realised I was there at the event where the photo was taken. The event was a family wedding and it happened when I was 3 which was before I was abused. I started crying immediately and didn't know how to react. 

When I got to 16 (the age he was at the time) I found myself riddled with anxiety because I 
was baffled as to how someone who knew and acted like I was could do such a thing. How he 
had a process in his head to think that his actions were ok and acceptable. 

My sexual abuse story still affects me, 16 years later. I think about it often and wonder if I would have different feelings and reactions towards different things if it had never happened. I wonder if 
my anxiety was heightened at 13 because I found about my past. This past week I have found myself looking at that photo and wondering why he did what he did and what his life is like now. 

I'm currently sat in a room with a bunch of people, who the majority have no idea what has happened to me because I'm not allowing my sexual abuse to take over me. I'm not going to lie, I have bad days where sometimes I can't go into my room or it's all I think about, but most days I'm fine; because I've talked about it and I've not been scared of talking about it, because I am not to blame for what happened to me - he is. Whether I was 3, 13 o 30 I was and would never be in any way to blame for someone else's actions and another person taking advantage of my body. 

I don't know if this has inspired any of you to talk and share your story, but if it
has inspired 1 person to talk and get help then this post has been worth it.




  1. So brave of you to post about this. I’m so sorry you had to go through this and I’m glad that you mostly don’t remember the event. I can’t imagine your pain having to cope with something like this ❤️