Dealing with and experiencing grief

 

I am very thankful that I have never had to deal with grief in a traditional sense of losing a loved one, 

throughout my life. I haven't lost very many family members and have never had to deal with grief. I have 

a difficult time processing and understanding emotions, mainly due to my BPD, however grief has been 

the hardest emotion for me to go through. Grief is such a broad term and covers a range of emotions from 

love, anger and sadness as well as hurt and betrayal. 

Following a short battle with breast cancer, my mom passed away May 1st. The last 5 1/2 weeks since 

then have been the hardest and most confusing time of my life. At 25 years old I have lost my mom who 

was also my best and closest friend and the only person who knew my true self. I have had to help plan a 

funeral alongside my dad, help and support others, become a carer for my nan all whilst carrying on with 

daily life and be a single parent to my son. I have experienced shock, betrayal, loneliness, anger, 

depression, love and so much more. I feel conflicted with emotions because there is no right or wrong

 way to feel or appropriate timeline. 

My moms journey and battle with cancer is one that I still don't understand. I don't understand how a 

women who put every single person before herself, who loved harder than anyone I've met, who would 

make you laugh till you were crying and knew the exact right thing to say at any moment, is gone from 

this world. I am angry that this happened to her. I am angry that my mom experienced so much pain. I 

angry that she left us. I've spent so much time listening to songs, looking at photos and videos and 

remembering how incredible she was. 

Throughout my life, my mom was the person who was always there and helped me with everything. From 

my battles with school and mental health issues, to moving out on my own and becoming a mom myself. I 

told my mom everything and she was the only person who I felt like I could be myself around without the 

fear of being judged. I am scared for how the rest of my life is going to continue without her in my life. 

How I am going to be a good mom without her by my side. I am sad and angry at everything she will miss 

out on and how we have to do it all without her.

When you loose someone you get people saying comments such as "she's in a better place" "she wouldn't 

want to look down on you being sad" "she would want you to carry on with life as normal". I hate those 

comments. My mom is no longer in pain, but she is not in a better place. She would encourage us to be sad 

and feel all of our emotions because she knew that was ok to do. Unfortunately daily life has to resume at 

some point, but that doesn't mean I have to be ok with that. As long as I am dealing with and processing 

my grief in a way that doesn't hurt myself or others, then that's fine! 

I am dealing with grief in a complete different way than my dad is, in a different way than my moms 

friends are, in a different way than my nan and other family members are. Everyone experiences grief 

differently. Often people say there are 7 stages of grief and eventually you will work you way through in 

order to process. Truth is, that there are no 7 stages. There is no time that you will be done grieving. There 

is no step by step system to help you understand your loss. You just find different ways to manage the pain 

and get through the day in different ways. 

Grief is another form of love, with no where to go. It shows us how much 

that person truly meant to us and is the price we pay for loving them.

We are continuing raising money for St Giles Hospice who helped provide my mom with the best 

care in her final weeks. Any and all donations are greatly appreciated. Donate here. 

xoxo

Lea-Mai