Finding yourself after a breakup

Going through a breakup is never easy. Whether you were the one who was broken up with, or if you were 

the one who made the decision to end it. Often people think that you don't have the right to be upset if it 

was your decision, which until you've gone through that you don't know how you'd feel. There are many 

different ways on how people 'deal' with a break up. Some hide they're feelings, some find a new 

relationship or some find themselves. For me I had no idea which I was going to be. But I've realised 

now, 8 months later, that I've spent this year finding myself, what I enjoy doing and who I really am.

I've spoke about my relationship and break up before, and although I'm not going into detail

 I do think it's important to say that I was the one to end the relationship. So how I have felt 

afterwards will be different for someone who has been broken up with. 

Despite this I have still grieved. My whole life changed and I was no longer doing the things that I had 

gotten so used to. For the first time in 3 1/2 years I was adjusting to being on my own. I didn't necessarily 

have a grieving period, that was right after the breakup and lasted a month or so. Mine came in stages and 

waves, especially whilst having time to overthink during lockdown. Grieving is a form of strength though. 

You're acknowledging your feelings and the time together and processing how you now feel afterwards.

In connection with this it's important to let your emotions out. Cry, laugh, hurt, just let it out. The longer 

you keep things bottled up the more it will hurt and it will be harder to process when it does eventually 

come to the surface. I felt best to let my emotions out when I was alone. However others take comfort in 

talking to friends and family or even writing it down and possibly burning it to feel free of the emotions. 

Something I did for so long was blame myself. Whether it was my actions, thoughts or in my case my 

mental health that led to me feeling a certain way and eventually end my relationship. Yes that might be 

the case, but it's something that I will never know. Blaming yourself is not going to help. Instead if will 

drag things on for much longer and give yourself a sense of self doubt. Whether you know that it was an 

action done by yourself or them, or if you don't know the reason at all, I always remind myself that 

everything happens for a reason and it will eventually all make sense. 

After a breakup a lot of people seek revenge. Mainly trying to hurt the other person and make them angry 

or jealous. It's so important to try not to do this, as you're both feeling pain. Put yourself in their shoes and 

how you would feel if it was the other way around. It's best to limit contact and interactions as much as 

possible. Don't look on their social media and although you might have ended on good terms, being 

friends can still hurt. For some this isn't as straight forward, e.g. if you have children. In this case, try to 

limit your conversations to only about the children rather than about you as a couple and making it 

personal. This will help to make it slightly easier and you to find yourself or even move on. 

No matter what, you are no single. Although it's important to let out your emotions and process them, it's 

still important to focus on yourself. For me I started to go out more and try my hardest to be more 

independent instead of having to rely on someone for my happiness. This isn't going to be as easy or 

straight forward as some may think, but overtime you will realise how much you've achieved since. 

Before my breakup I wouldn't go into a shop on my own, the thought made me so anxious, however now I 

will walk around my local shops and just browse because I can. I have even been to the pub on my own, 

and am looking at weekend solo trips.  Everything you do afterwards is an achievement, no matter how 

big or small they may seem at the time. 

My biggest piece of advice is that you need to learn to love yourself and value yourself as person before 

meeting another person and getting into a relationship. I know what I deserve and what I want out of a 

relationship. E.G. I don't want a relationship with someone who doesn't want children, as that is a very 

important thing to me, and is something I'm not willing to give up on. It's important to love your body and 

who you are as a person otherwise you'll find it hard to let another person love you. 

Put yourself at the top of the to-do list and the rest will fall into place. 

xoxo

Lea-Mai