Self love after abuse

TRIGGER WARNING - SEXUAL ABUSE


When it comes to talking about abuse, I never know if it's right for me as my story isn't what you would 
necessarily expect. Any form of abuse is a life changing thing to experience and something that no 2 
people will ever be able to relate the same with. Everybody's story is different. It's unfortunate that we 
live in a world where 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men have experienced domestic or sexual abuse.

The reason I say that my story is different is because I don't remember it. I have done a blog post on this 
previously (which you can read here), however I wanted to speak about it again. I was sexually abused by 
a family member when I was 3 and he was 16. It happened when other family members were in the house, 
whilst we were playing upstairs. Nothing could've prevented this as it never would've crossed someones 
mind, and I was only a child. As soon as he left and went home I told my parents what happened and what 
he did to me. Police were called and a hospital visit for me was arranged. Unfortunately as there wasn't 
enough evidence, amongst other things, he wasn't charged. As I was so young I completely forgot about 
the event and the only thing I remembered was my visit to the hospital. Then when I was in high school, 
another family member came forward and spoke to me about how that man did the same thing to them, 
when he was the same age. They had forgot about the event until they saw a different family member at a 
party, which bought back the event. Obviously the police were called and everything was bought up again. 
Police came to my house to take a statement but I couldn't give any information as I had no recollection. 
He got taken to court, once again, and due to the lack of evidence he was found not guilty. 

This roughly takes us to present day. I understand how it can look to say that 'I wish I remember being 
sexually abused' because I wish I could take that memory away for everyone who has experienced it, but I 
could've been more help in his sentencing that might've led to him getting sent down and the justice that 
he deserved. I am grateful that I don't remember because I don't carry around any physical or emotional 
pain with me like other survivors do, which I can only imagine what they experience. 

The reason I wanted to do this post was because although I don't remember the abuse itself, I had to 
'recover' and carry on in a way that a counsellor or therapist doesn't know how to help. When I felt out it 
was like I was hearing someone else's story and imaging it happen, but feeling their emotions. I felt 
robbed and betrayed of having something like that done to me, but also by a family member. I remember 
often just lying in bed thinking about what he did to me and hating my body. The thought of 'did I bring 
this upon myself' even crossed my mind. That is just insane. No matter what you are doing or wearing or 
anything, at any age doesn't invite someone to take advantage and abuse your body, especially when you 
are a naive child. I had to learn to accept and love myself again in a way that I wasn't expecting. 

I had to look at my body and remember that the only person responsible for this is him. I had to love my 
body and remember that although I was abused and taken advantage of, I have the all the same rights as 
anyone else does. My body is mine, it is an art and will forever tell a story. It's a very difficult thing to go 
through at any age or any stage in your life, no matter what type of abuse it is and I am thankful for little 3 
year old Lea being brave enough to speak to her parents and tell them what happened, because even 
though he wasn't found guilty, you did the right thing by talking to someone. If you feel like you can't talk 
to a family member or friend, please try your hardest to speak to a doctor or a professional, or anybody 
that you think could help you in any way. I promise that things will change and get better.

xoxo
Lea-Mai

11 comments

  1. I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you and someone else in your family, it must be even harder knowing that it was a relative who did this.

    Amy x
    The July Rose

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    Replies
    1. Thanks lovely. It's so hard to experience, but important to surround yourself with people x

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  2. I’m so sorry lovely, this is so brave of you to write and will help so many people, sending you lots of love x

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  3. So brave of you to tell your story. Hopefully this helps others who've gone through it!

    www.upyourvlog.com

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  4. So sorry this has happened to you! Hopefully your story insppires other people x

    Joyce | www.joycelauofficial.com

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    Replies
    1. That's all I want for posting this, to inspire others x

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  5. I am so so sorry to hear that this happened to you - and I understand the want to remember so that you can rebuild from it! Very brave for sharing this!
    Rosie
    loverosiee.co.uk

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  6. I am so sorry you had to go through that, I can only imagine the feeling of betrayel. The GBV rates in SA are horrendous.

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