My mental health - a year in the making

I'm writing this opening a few weeks before this posts goes live, but I've actually been writing this blog 

post for over a year. I was in such a bad place last year that I can't even begin to describe, this post doesn't 

even describe the half of it, and I decided to start documenting how I felt each month, the positives and the 

negatives. I wasn't sure if I was going to post this because it is so personal and mentions so many different 

subjects that people may find triggering. However I try to be as open and honest as I can especially when 

it comes to my mental health, as it really helps to read other peoples stories and know that you are not 

alone. I thought I'd already uploaded the most difficult post that I'd have to, however this is it. Reading this 

back is so difficult because I can feel everything from each month all at once and a lot of these things I 

never told anyone, not even my mom (sorry).

I'm not uploading this to get sympathy, attention or anything like that. This is the most nerve wracking and 

scariest post that I will ever write and put online. Im sharing this with you all in the hope that it makes one 

of you feel like you are not alone and what you can get through anything. 

TRIGGER WARNING - suicide, self harm and mental illnesses

JUNE

This month has been tough. In fact I was actually planning on dying this month. I had a date, a way and a 

reason but I didn't. And honestly I couldn't tell you why. It was around then that I thought of doing this 

post. Whether it will turn out the way I hope or if it'll be even worse by the end of it. Who knows. I do 

know that this will be the hardest and most honest post I've ever written.

I'm in a bad place. From the outside I look like I'm fine. Laughing, smiling, carrying on with my day-to-

day life. But the truth is, I'm not. I think about dying every single day. Yet I'm scared to do it. I'm scared to 

die, yet I want to so badly. I go to the doctors every 2-4 weeks because I'm on medication and I'm putting 

myself at risk, so they like to see me a lot. In fact one of those days is today. My 6th doctors appointment 

in 3 months, just for my mental health. I've also had 5 hospital appointments, for the exact same reason. 

But once again I look fine from the outside.

 Each hospital and doctors appointment determines my next month of living. I live day by day, 

month by month. I don't want to live like this, I've already done it once before, but how do I not.

JULY

Honestly I don't even know what to write. I started this to show the reality of mental health issues, but I 

don't even know myself. This month I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which has been 

very hard for me to wrap my head around. Not because I'm in denial, but because for so long I thought I 

had bipolar (due to my intense mixed emotions and more), so I accepted and understood that. But when I 

heard borderline personality disorder I was so confused. I still don't really know what it means but I'm 

starting to notice actions that I do are most likely a sign of it.

I haven't had time to think about anything because Liam had his 3 week shutdown, which was
great. However I know that when he goes back to work I'm going to be lost and go down hill. It's

a distraction at the moment, but soon it'll be gone. I don't want to be alone. I want to relive these last 

few weeks, not because it was a great time but because I don't want to face reality or my problems. We 

celebrated our 3 year anniversary in Amsterdam which was a dream come true and I'm so glad I got to 

spend that time with him, in a place on our bucket list.

I'm still struggling with wanting to live. I can get through the day, the week, the month, but when I think 

about certain things which are huge parts of everyday life I become weak. I don't want to deal with it and 

carry on. Everything will be better if I just end it because it wont hurt then.

AUGUST

This month so much has changed. I got engaged and we got a puppy. Writing it out seems so simple yet 

I've had a really hard time adjusting to it. Being engaged doesn't feel any different and nothing has 

actually changed, but it's made me feel more grown up in a way that I didn't before. A week later we 

decided to get a puppy. I can't express how hard it's been. I stopped sleeping, drinking, eating, showering 

and doing basic everyday things just because I couldn't handle the idea of taking care of a breathing 

creature. The first few days were the hardest and all I did was cry and have major anxiety attacks, but

 after about a week it started to calm down.

As I'm writing this Eddie is 10 weeks old and is currently sleeping on his bed below my feet.
He's gotten into a routine more and is becoming more of himself, yet I feel so lost. Things I used

to do without realising, like blogging, cleaning and uploading on Instagram are so difficult to do

and find time for. I know having a puppy isn't easy and wont be for a while, I just wasn't expecting

 my mental health to be effected quite so much.

It's definitely been a hard month but a memorable one at the same time. I've felt mainly lost
this month. Both with myself but also my surroundings. I look at things and don't recognise

them, can't remember what's happened and am starting to loose sight (again) of what I see in

the mirror. I know I'm not the only one but with everything going on, it seem like I'm all alone.

SEPTEMBER

Its currently the 18th of September and I look around and I know how good my life looks and how I 

have so many things to live for. My parents, fiancé and our new puppy. But at the same time I feel like 

everything would be easier if I wasn't here. I wouldn't be in constant pain anymore and I wouldn't be 

dragging everyone else down with me. For so long I've felt like a burden to other people and I don't want 

that anymore. I haven't wanted to end my life or even think about it (really) since July. That might not 

seem like a long time but thats 7 weeks, 49 days and 1176 hours that I've been ok.

I'd like to say that 12 days later I'm still ok but I'm not. I feel so drained, fed up and feeling like what's the 

point. I have so many good things in my life and things are starting to fall into place but I'm still not 

happy. Because I feel down so often it's become my main emotion, so feeling anything else, including 

happiness, confuses me and I don't like how it feels. Even though I know being happy is good. I try to 

explain this to people but nobody seems to understand. Will anybody ever?

Eddie is now 14 weeks old and has improved and settled so much, but I'm still finding the idea of being 

responsible for a living creature so difficult. I have days when I can't imagine my life without him and 

days when I regret getting him. He's just being a puppy and doing what puppies do, but I can't seem to 

handle it. It makes me question the future and the life I wanted for myself. Will I be able to handle 

fostering, moving out, having children, getting married, when I can't even look after something as 

simple as a puppy?

OCTOBER

I don't even know what to write for October. I've found it a lot harder than I've been letting on and have 

really started to value those 30 minutes I get to myself every now and then. People don't seem to 

understand how a puppy can affect your mental health for the worse. I've found this month it's started 

affecting my relationship. Most likely not because of Eddie, but because I get so stressed out trying to get 

things organised and how I like them that I take it out on Liam, as I spend the most time with him.

I often forget how hard relationships are. 

NOVEMBER

This month I've realised truly how much my mental health is affected by my living space. I always knew I 

was a home body and loved to be in my own space, but since swapping back and fourth between my house 

and Liam's house I've realised how much I want to have my own place. Not just for convenience, but so I 

can make a place my own and feel comfortable. We thought we was going to get a house but the owner 

decided to give it to someone else on the day we were going to view it. This has disheartened me and I 

feel even more desperate to move out. With Christmas being around the corner I know it's going to be hard 

but I'm so impatient.

This month I've also realised that I want to come of my medication at some point next year. I don't know 

when, but I know I don't want to be on medication for the rest of my life, especially after being on it for 

nearly 5 years already. I don't want to be dependent upon it. I want to have children and it's a lot harder to 

do so when on medication, and although it's early days I would like to start coming off all medication but 

especially my anti-depressants.

DECEMBER

Honestly, I'm writing this in the middle of January because I forgot about this post. I don't know what 

happened in December and can't remember no matter how hard I try. I do know that I started a new job, 

which suits me perfectly and one that I'm not scared of going to, which is a first. Other than that I have no 

idea where the month went or anything. Not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.

JANUARY

I felt like I was making a lot of progress. Starting work again, making money, leaving the house, 

establishing a routine, everything. But the past week it's gone downhill. I've started questioning 

everything. From my future to my relationship. I booked a doctors appointment and was going to talk 

about reducing the dosage of my talents my now I don't know. What am I supposed to do when I feel like 

this. Because all I want to do is run away from everything and everyone and hide, but I can't do that. No 

matter how bad my mental health has got, I've always had a small amount of optimism regarding the 

future but that's gone. I can't see myself moving out, getting married and having children. I can't see 

anything anymore and I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I ended my relationship which is by far one of the hardest things I've had to do. There were a lot of 

reasons behind why I chose to do this, including the previous statement, but also additional factors came 

into play. This month has changed my entire life and I'm coping surprisingly well with it. I'm not going to 

sit here and say I'm happy now my relationship had come to an end because that would be a lie, but at this 

moment in time I needed to focus on myself and that's the next step I chose to make. I also went to my 

doctors and we have decreased my medication from 60mg to 40mg, and I'm hoping my the end of the year 

to have either decreased them down to the lowest dosage of 20mg or have stopped taking my medication 

all together, but I'm ok if that doesn't happen because who knows where life will be in 10 months time.

FEBRUARY

February seems like a huge blur if I'm being honest. I've done some things that I wouldn't have done 2 

months ago and I'm both proud and disappointed of some of those things. I spend the majority of the time 

feeling pretty happy and ok. Yet when I have a bad day, it's no longer just slightly bad and I just move on, 

it lasts for a few days and affects many of my decisions. I uploaded a blog post recently speaking about 

'what a bad BPD day is to me' and that's how I've spent the majority of this month.

My mood has always been pretty up and down for as long as I can remember but instead of it happening in 

a matter of seconds it happens slowly. Because I'm not used to this I'm finding it hard to adjust to. I know 

it's probably a good thing because my mood swings are so manic, but I'm used to them. It's all I've known. 

On the bad days I still have to act 'normal' and like everything is fine. I have to go to work, but because I 

work with children I make sure to put on a happy face and try and forget everything so they don't pick up 

on it. But I find myself doing that when I get back home. I feel like I've forgot how to act and am scared to 

be myself.

When it comes to my 'relationship' and love life, I'm finding myself having more questions than answers. 

Did I make the right choice? Will I regret it? Am I doing the right thing? Am I wasting my time talking to 

certain people? Am I worth it? What's right and wrong anymore? Why am I feeling this way? Will I ever 

find someone who likes me or understands me again?

MARCH

This month was my birthday. I turned the big 21. The age that you're supposed to go out and celebrate. 

One of the last 'big' birthdays that you celebrate. Instead my birthday was the day after lockdown was 

announced. So I spent it inside. I wasn't able to go out with my best friend or have a meal with my family 

like I had planned. My parents and nan made it as special as they could but it's a shit way to spend your 

21st birthday.

11 days before my birthday was my dads birthday. But it was also the day I found myself on the kitchen 

floor, surrounded by my moms tramadol and morphine, coming as close as last year to ending it. What is 

the point in living if you have nothing to live for. I no longer saw the point in living.

That was March 13th. March 15th the date I tried to kill myself last year. I thought that was the lowest of 

lows and that it couldn't get any worse than that. I guess in the moment I was right because it didn't get 

any worse. But it did eventually. It got a lot worse and it's hard to come back from.

APRIL

We are currently about 6 weeks into lockdown as I'm writing this. I spent the first 4 1/2 weeks of that ill, 

with bronchitis. Coughing and throwing up everyday, constant headaches and weak body. And I also got a 

24hr bug in the middle of that. At that point I wasn't finding lockdown hard. I was still going to work (just 

reduced days), I was having more time to focus on my blog, Instagram, reading and all the things I wanted 

to do. My life hadn't really changed that much and I was ok with that. Up until recently. It hit me like a ton 

of bricks. I feel more alone than I ever have and I'm still adjusting to being single, which I hate, so both 

mixed together has been quite difficult for me. I've been face timing my best friend most days and have 

made a few new friends who I speak to, but I'm scared to open up about who I am and the real me in fear 

of being abandoned.

I recently told 3 people about me and who I am. I've never lied about anything, but it's very intense to drop 

on someone about your mental illnesses and your struggles, which unfortunately happen to be the majority 

of your life. 2 stopped speaking to me all together, even though they said they didn't care and it didn't 

change anything, and the other person speaks to me when they feel like it. (UPDATE - none of them

 speak to me now) 

I've found myself regretting a lot of choices this year. Everything from my breakup, to me self sabotaging 

myself because I felt like I deserved it. I still and will always self sabotage myself but the ways I was 

doing it before was unhealthy. My emotions are so back and fourth from not caring to caring too much. 

Hating life to loving life. Being the happiest I've ever been to not wanting to be alive again. I find myself 

stuck and unaware of what I'm supposed to be doing with my life.

At this point in my life I was supposed to be coming up to my 4 year anniversary and 1 year of being 

engaged. I was supposed to be saving money to be renting or buying a place of our own. I was supposed to 

be planning our dream wedding. Instead I'm back at home in a freshly decorated room unaware of what 

the hell I'm supposed to be doing. What is it I even want anymore?

MAY

It's been an interesting month and to be honest it both felt like a lifetime but also flew by. I've been 

struggling a lot lately but I've only just noticed it. I thought I was doing fine but then I noticed I was 

slipping into old habits. Not having basic hygiene, not sleeping but then wanting to sleep in the day, no 

motivation and dragging myself through the days. As I'm writing this it is June 5th and I'm still not in the 

best place, but I'm carrying on. Trying to push myself as much as I can.

I find myself listening to the song I got engaged too (don't want to miss a thing - Aerosmith) and also the 

song that would've been our first dance (You and me - Lifehouse). If you heard me listening to this I 

would tell you it just came on shuffle, but in reality I actually put it on myself. I thought I was doing ok 

with my breakup because I was the one who ended it. I thought that's how it was supposed to be. But I'm 

finding it really difficult. I know that our relationship came to an end for multiple reasons and it was the 

best decision at the time, but it really sucks to loose that person in your life who was your best friend, your 

soulmate, your fiancé, future husband, your everything.

I redecorated my room this month, because it needed doing, but also because I wanted a fresh start. I've 

got rid of so many things that I grew out of and weren't me anymore. But then I find things that bring back 

memories from a trip or Christmas together. I'm struggling at the minute to  think about where my life was 

this time last year. I was in one of the worst places of my life but I was never alone, and now I am.

JUNE

I've started thinking about suicide again. But not in the same way as before. I want to die and I don't want 

to be here anymore but I also know that I do want to live and that I'm not in the same place I was last year. 

I feel nothing and everything at the same time. I'm fine up until about 5pm and then I just get hit with this 

emotion of loneliness, guilt and regret for everything I've ever done and said. I'm still struggling with my 

breakup as it was huge part of my life that I will never regret or wish to take back, but I never thought I'd 

be single again. I'm trying my best to focus on me and have been speaking to someone but with lockdown 

everything is proving much more difficult that I thought. 

The biggest thing I'm struggling with right now is the end of my relationship. I know I've talked about that 

a lot but it's the main cause for my mood at the moment. It wasn't just the end of a relationship, it was the 

end of a engagement, a future, a family all at my expense. I will forever carry that guilt with me. I'm 

enjoying talking to new people and getting those butterflies in my stomach again, but I much prefer having 

that commitment to another person and that bond that is unexplainable. I'm currently not on the best of 

terms with my ex, which is understandable but it's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I am 

talking to people and I don't want them to read this and think that I'm the kind of girl who isn't worth it 

because they're still 'hung up' on their ex, but I find change 100x harder than the 'normal' person and as I 

process things differently, my mood is something that gets affected by this.

I'm sorry to everyone I've hurt or disappointed over the last year.

I'm not in the same place I was last year, in so many ways. I'm not the person I thought I would be a year 

after starting writing this post. I've truly been on a journey that I can't explain and my life has really 

changed. I didn't commit suicide, I got engaged, got a puppy, ended a 3 1/2 year relationship and so much 

more. I don't even know how to explain the last 12 months of my life. I never expected this is where my 

life would be right now. In some ways I'm glad, especially since I believe that everything happens for a 

reason, but unfortunately at the minute I don't know what that reason is, which is why it's not easy. I am 

taking each day as it comes and trying my hardest not to fall back to who I was last year.

xoxo

Lea-Mai