BDSM rules and their importance

Over the last 8 years, since the first Fifty Shades of Grey, and more recently with, 365 Days, BDSM has 

attracted more interest and continues to grow. Films like these often don't show all the aspects of what the 

BDSM culture is truly like and isn't a true representation. Fifty Shades of Grey mainly focuses on 

portraying the daddy dom sadism side, which is only a practice of what BDSM really is. With the increase 

in both the acknowledgment and engaging of BDSM I wanted to share the importance of having rules and 

what they are, as BDSM isn't a light hearted community to go into, especially without any understanding. 

The term BDSM is thrown around and used so much in society that people often think it means just being 

tied up and whipped but that is far from the case. Once you have an understanding of BDSM, the culture 

and industry, it is very easy to spot the difference between someone who cares and is truly into it and the 

pleasure it brings to both parities, as oppose to someone who wants to try it for the first time because they 

think it's 'cool' with their friends and think tying someone to the bed and having control is the entirety. 

WHAT IS BDSM?

BDSM stands for; bondage, discipline (or domination), sadism (or submission) and machoism. Everybody 

has their own individual understanding of what this entails but often includes tying a partner up, inflicting 

pain in return for self pleasure and being controlling over the other. There are many subcategories that fall 

under the BDSM umbrella such as; ageplay, pet, owner, primal, brat tamer, rope bunny and many more. 

WHY ARE RULES IMPORTANT?

Before practicing BDSM there are rules to consider. This is because BDSM has both a physical and 

mental impact on the people taking part as you are pushing yourself and maximising your limits. 

Trust, communication and mutual consent is a must beforehand. It is also very important to have an 

understanding of of what BDSM entails as well as the safety measures included to ensure the emotional 

and physical well being of the participants. 

SSC (safe, sane and consensual) emphasises that the activities are safe and consent is given by people of 

sound mind. This is often used as a way for beginners to determine the difference between BDSM and 

abuse. RACK (risk-aware consensual kink) acknowledges that not all forms of BDSM are always going to 

be 100% safe, but there are safer options to consider within. The intent with BDSM is to hurt not harm 

people. Although short term initial pain is mainly expected, this shouldn't results in long term harm. 

CONSENT

No matter what consent is a must. Whether you think you got given in a non verbal matter, it is always 

needed verbally. Consent is even more important when it comes to BDSM as you are not only consenting 

to having sex and relations with another person but you are consenting to the extremities during and 

pushing both parties boundaries. Remember that consent can be withdrawn at any point, even if you 

consented at the beginning. 

SAFE WORDS

Although safe words might sound extreme to some, especially if you have never tried BDSM, but they are 

definitely important to have, even if you don't use them. I would recommend having 2 safe words. The 

first to let your partner know that you are getting close to your limit and the second being the main and 

wanting to stop immediately. Make sure to use a word that isn't going to be said at any other point. 

Colours are often used as they are 1 syllable and quick and won't be said otherwise.

COMMUNICATION

I'm a big believer that communication is a huge factor in any aspect of sex but as BDSM is pushing you to 

your limits and often exploring new things, it's important to communicate them to get a full understanding. 

Talking openly about your wants and desires, what you are open to trying and what your hard limits are 

helps you to understand yourself and your partner as well as helping to get turned on in anticipation. 

Communication is important to have afterwards as BDSM pushes you both physically and emotionally. 

SOBRIETY 

If you have had any form of drugs, alcohol or mind alternating substance you are in no sound mind to 

give consent. As BDSM focuses on high extremes it's vital that all parties are sober. Although alcohol and 

drugs might seem fun beforehand, especially when it comes to calming nerves and trying to relax more, 

it's not safe. Your judgment and sanity must not be impaired or tainted going into it.

AFTERCARE

Aftercare is often forgotten but is the act that can have the biggest affect. When it comes to BDSM you 

can find your body to be red, raised, bruised, inflamed and irritated amongst other things. Physical and 

emotional aftercare are equally as important as each other. The physical aftercare is advised to be taken 

care of first as it's usually the quickest and easiest, whilst not having long term side effects. The emotional 

aftercare can be as basic as talking about what happened and both of your experiences, checking in on 

each others wellbeing or simply laying with each other after. Whether you are the 'submissive' or 

'dominate' in the situation, both can experience a quick drop in emotions and adrenaline and need attentive 

aftercare. The majority of the time the 'drop' in endorphins will happen almost immediately or soon after, 

but in some cases they can take hours or days, depending on the severity and activities engaged in. 

BDSM isn't for everyone and isn't something to go into naively. It can take a while to find out 

what you enjoy and are willing to do as well as what your hard limits are. BDSM is supposed 

to make you feel confident and empowered not ashamed and embarrassed. 

xoxo

Lea-Mai